this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
