My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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