Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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