I'm lost and stupid without you.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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