The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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