They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
