I can text with my tongue
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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