That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
