Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Randomize
