Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
