last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
