so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
