That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
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