checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I love you. Go after that dick
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
