Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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