Whatcha textin bout Willis?
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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