Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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