The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
