I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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