She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
If I had your ass I would rule the world
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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