the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
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