I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize