i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
