so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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