you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
