I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
