it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
