soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
