Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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