For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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