4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
MIDGETS
????
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
