My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
