She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
How many fucks given?
0.12846
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Randomize
