Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
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