wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Randomize
