I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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