So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Randomize