Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize