I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
