I like my sex mixed with concussions.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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