Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
