Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize