I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
