I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
