Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
