can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
