I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
