I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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