just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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