Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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