You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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