I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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