This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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