I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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