I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize